A sequel
It’s like the whole world stopped last night, it shook all the anger I had since I’ve known about the sole reason why I didn’t want to continue our relationship, and last night was the epitome of it. We ended it. And the cause was jelousy.
It was like I’ve lost 75% of who I am, as a person, and what I want. I think I was wrong when I let my world revolve around her, forgetting really who I was before. I changed a lot since the day I loved her. I didn’t want to be such, But I just couldn’t resist. It was like for the sake of loving her. I lost myself. I was so wrong. I didn’t see this coming. And it was very crucial.
Everybody wants to be taken care of. But it seems that I cared too much, oblivious that I had myself to take care too. Insecurities, I had few, before. And it concerns some of my teenage peers as a daughter to my mother. But now, It almost seems that I have to compete to everyone around her. It’s sickeningly disgusting, I was never like this. I brought myself to an indegenous monster that would want to destroy everything in me. Yeah, that’s what I am now, a monster.
I kept on telling myself that its better off this way than to keep killing myself, like having a daily suicide habit. I’m now resisting what my other persona is trying to say to me. Yeah, I know, even though I’m like this, I’m not a moron to fool myself that I don’t love her anymore. I still love her, very much. The most painful fact/thing I guess is, I’m still solely inlove with her.
I guess I’m really weak. I can’t blame myself for loving, I don’t even know why I’m inlove with that person. All I can do now maybe is to be brave, for the next days, and try to bring back what I lost from loving her. Brave for what? I don’t even know. My mind is juggling thoughts, I wish I was more busy. I’m having a fucking battle with myself. Wish I could win this, not to hurt her anymore, and give the freedom she deserves. Anyway, I don’t own her.
I’ve realized that even if you’ve given all yourself to the person you love, it’s not enough. It will not be enough. That’s why you’ll fight for it. But I guess, fighting for it will not be my drama anymore.
I cried really hard last night, wishing I was dead. I’ve even wonder where my defense wall for these emotions have gone. I was like a child that lost her favorite toy. I wish like someone would come over to comfort me, But I found none. They must be off somewhere dreaming because it’s ahm, 3 in the morning? And all I’m humming with was the sober cats in the neighborhood. I don’t want to talk about this to anyone, I don’t even want to tell this to anyone.
However, I’m thankful that someone like her had come to my life. It was like having christmas season and valentines day everyday. I was very lively and jolly and everything. And now I’m trying to be… I don’t know. I don’t even want to be somebody pretending that all things was okay, like what I was doing before. But at the same time I don’t want anyone to ask me, or tell me about things that… I don’t want to even think about.
I was hurt, pretty bad. And sadly I didn’t happen to make myself clear to her. But it’s okay, everybody gets tired of everything, for a while. Yeah, I’m tired, But it does not mean I’m surrendering — gah fuck. And now my other persona is taking me over again. I must stop before I write something I don’t want to say. My other persona, wants to write how I love her very much — fuck. I’ll stop now.
